The first year is nearing a close, I lost my dad in August of 2011;
August 21st. He lost a short battle with Pancreatic Cancer and by short;
it was roughly 4 weeks from diagnosis to his passing. I won't go into
the crazy roller coaster ride that was right now.
They say that the first year is the hardest, and it is true. I have found that strength comes from places you couldn't imagine and from those you least expect. Families change and the worst does come out. Not only has it been a year since I lost my dad, its been a year since I spoke with my sister and have only seen her once; where we avoided eye contact at all costs even when standing a few feet apart. A sudden loss of a father can change so many things and leaves a gap or a crater that can not be filled.
The first month was indeed the hardest, the disbelief would not dissipate. The dreams, day dreams and fantasy that he didn't die were challenging, the thought that maybe he was just busy and he would walk in at any time took awhile to cease. After a few weeks I went off to my new job, the one he had been excited for me to start was yet another challenge but things happen for a reason, and I found that several times over the next 6 months in my new job.
Time ticked by slowly, I counted the months and waited for grief to roll down the street around the same time each month and it did, like clock work... I found if I let the tears come it would pass sooner than if I fought it back. Work was easy, I had co workers who knew and were supportive; I worked with kids with their own set of family and personal problems; made it easy to relate that's for sure.
Home was the hardest over the first six months; my relationship crumbled much to my delight in the end. Dad knew he wasn't the one, he'd never come out and say it, but I knew. I found that the hole I wanted to crawl into was often infested with an someone who couldn't understand my sadness and often absent; Chip. Chip didn't make losing my dad easier; infact harder, not really his fault; I mean what is a guy to do when his girl goes through such a traumatizing event while he's off sailing the seven seas hunting pirates anyways?! He couldn't figure it out; but hey I can't either.
Christmas came and went and not much changed since Dad never was a fan, for others who are big on family holidays and such I am sure it is worse. I have found birthdays to be the hardest so far, celebrating another year of life while his is no more. Of course mine was the first, it came along about 2 weeks after he passed, my mother; being the gem of a woman that she is; insisted on a party doing things I didn't really want to do; but hey there were cupcakes, booze and cigarettes... so really who's to complain.
When the New Year came, I swore it was time for a change, I moved out of my 2 year relationship which had finally met its demise, I started searching for a new job; as the kids had burned me out and I felt my purpose had been served and decided I'd spend more time skating games.
I found that the next few months (6,7 and 8) were better than the first six; I felt like I had a fresh start and became one of those people who says "I dunno what I want to do". Which was fun and was exactly what I needed. I reverted back to my adolescent days of drinking too much and not getting enough sleep; but I felt revived.
So here I am; staring month 12 in the eyes - still the pit of my stomach aches for the loss; my heart still broken and grieving the biggest loss of my life at all of 26 years old.
I guess through this time all I needed was a rock; I needed someone to be there but each time I looked at the prospective rock, they sank. For if the rock does not have sufficient depth it can't stay above the surface of the tides.
They say that the first year is the hardest, and it is true. I have found that strength comes from places you couldn't imagine and from those you least expect. Families change and the worst does come out. Not only has it been a year since I lost my dad, its been a year since I spoke with my sister and have only seen her once; where we avoided eye contact at all costs even when standing a few feet apart. A sudden loss of a father can change so many things and leaves a gap or a crater that can not be filled.
The first month was indeed the hardest, the disbelief would not dissipate. The dreams, day dreams and fantasy that he didn't die were challenging, the thought that maybe he was just busy and he would walk in at any time took awhile to cease. After a few weeks I went off to my new job, the one he had been excited for me to start was yet another challenge but things happen for a reason, and I found that several times over the next 6 months in my new job.
Time ticked by slowly, I counted the months and waited for grief to roll down the street around the same time each month and it did, like clock work... I found if I let the tears come it would pass sooner than if I fought it back. Work was easy, I had co workers who knew and were supportive; I worked with kids with their own set of family and personal problems; made it easy to relate that's for sure.
Home was the hardest over the first six months; my relationship crumbled much to my delight in the end. Dad knew he wasn't the one, he'd never come out and say it, but I knew. I found that the hole I wanted to crawl into was often infested with an someone who couldn't understand my sadness and often absent; Chip. Chip didn't make losing my dad easier; infact harder, not really his fault; I mean what is a guy to do when his girl goes through such a traumatizing event while he's off sailing the seven seas hunting pirates anyways?! He couldn't figure it out; but hey I can't either.
Christmas came and went and not much changed since Dad never was a fan, for others who are big on family holidays and such I am sure it is worse. I have found birthdays to be the hardest so far, celebrating another year of life while his is no more. Of course mine was the first, it came along about 2 weeks after he passed, my mother; being the gem of a woman that she is; insisted on a party doing things I didn't really want to do; but hey there were cupcakes, booze and cigarettes... so really who's to complain.
When the New Year came, I swore it was time for a change, I moved out of my 2 year relationship which had finally met its demise, I started searching for a new job; as the kids had burned me out and I felt my purpose had been served and decided I'd spend more time skating games.
I found that the next few months (6,7 and 8) were better than the first six; I felt like I had a fresh start and became one of those people who says "I dunno what I want to do". Which was fun and was exactly what I needed. I reverted back to my adolescent days of drinking too much and not getting enough sleep; but I felt revived.
So here I am; staring month 12 in the eyes - still the pit of my stomach aches for the loss; my heart still broken and grieving the biggest loss of my life at all of 26 years old.
I guess through this time all I needed was a rock; I needed someone to be there but each time I looked at the prospective rock, they sank. For if the rock does not have sufficient depth it can't stay above the surface of the tides.
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